Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Breaking News:

History Made in Unprece- dented Sponsor Agreement Between Lump of Clay and Cannibalistic Enterprise

Santa Barbara, CA - On Tuesday morning a press conference was called at Sun-Maid Co. with the promise of an exciting announcement that would "change America's perception of dried fruit." It was announced that the legendary R&B performing group the California Raisins had inked a five-year contract with Sun-Maid for an undisclosed amount of money.

"This is really a fruitful time for us here at Sun-Maid," said press agent Chuck Fulonuts. Upon later reflection, we believe that yes, he did indeed intend the pun. ". . .we are so happy that the Raisins have agreed to act as our spokespersons to the world in delivering Sun-Maid's message of healthy living and good, fiber-full fruits.

Long-time Raisins bandmembers Beebop and Red were on hand for the press conference.
"We are very happy to lend our notoriety and hipness to the Sun-Maid name; encouraging healthy eating has been something the Raisins have always stood behind. We believe it is as important to support that behavior in America's upcoming generation as it was for the last."

Yet vocal critics have loudly challenged the Raisins decision, since the very nature of Sun-Maid's business could be misconstrued as a conflict of interest for the California Raisins It wasn't even fifty years ago during the great Raisin Boom of the 1950's that raisins were in such short supply that the Raisin's present-day existence was in question. Many critics fear that a Raisin endorsement deal could lead to another shortage, and the rich and famous fruits would watch the demise of their species.

Richard Goesalot, activist for the PCETFV (People's Coalition for the Ethical Treatment of Fruits and Vegetables) fears that the Raisin's sponsorship will do precisely this.
"We've lived too long under the fear that one day there would not be enough dried grapes to go around, and I think we've finally turned the corner to a place from which we cannot return."
Mr. Goesalot said that the PCETFV was petitioning the Raisins to abandon their contract with Sun-Maid

Still others worry of the more philosophical challenges faced by this news. Sandra Nopeerightly represents the UUPAFMTLT-DP (Universal Union of Persons Alliance for the Fair Mental Treatment of Living Things - Division of Plantlife) and argues the fundamental paradox in seeing a raisin encouraging others to devour its own kind.
"This represents a real shift in thinking." Ms. Nopeerightly explains "Never in the past has it been so socially acceptable that we would see a raisin encouraging the consumption and death of his fellow grape-kind. This is pure cannibalism; I thought we had moved beyond this type of behavior in American society, but I guess I was wrong. We clearly have alot of work to do."

The Sun-Maid corporation made no formal statement to these charges, except that they would like to point out that they manufacture all different types of dried fruits. "What makes the raisin so special?" asked press agent Chuck Fulonuts.

The Raisins could not be reached for comment after the press conference.

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