Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Caring for the Common Cold
Think there's nothing to do about the sniffles? Think you have to live with it until it passes? Think you have to give up sleeping for two weeks while your nasal passages take a vacation? Not anymore!
I have found a secret remedy to the cold which surpasses any other treatment available. The government doesn't want you to know about it! The WHO doesn't want you to know! The CDC doesn't want you to know! But I'm going to tell you! So get a pad of paper and a pencil and get ready. . .
Alot of people discover their medical findings by lengthy research and costly experimentation. Not me! I found this scribbled on a piece of kleenex in an alley. After I pain-stakingly re-built the contents of the kleenex by wiping away the dirt, oil, and snot with my tounge, I realized there was probably a better way to do this. But, because of my hasty approach, I stumbled onto the marvelous truth about caring for a cold! Had I not been chewing on a used kleenex, I never would have discovered this truth which I am about to reveal to you now!
And here it is: The best way of caring for a cold: Contract something worse! I know what you're thinking. That sounds too easy! Anyone could do that. Well sure, but who does? Most people are content to go along dealing with the maladies of a head cold, but what I'm offering is the chance for so much more!
From swishing the residue of used kleenex around in my mouth I found out that I could easily expose myself to an entire range of infectious diseases including, but not limited to: pink eye, syphilis, influenza, hepatitis, lyme disease and herpes.
Seconds after my encounter with the now legendary kleenex encounter did I realize that a cold was now the least of my worries.
The excitment of this discovery was seconded only by my later attempt to "cleanse" myself by bathing in ammonia. Including the inside of my mouth. The doctor is hopeful that my taste buds will come out of their coma sometime in my lifetime.
So, to review: I have a depraved mind. If any of you are still reading this, then you are brave souls. And lastly, get some sleep and eat chicken noodle soup.
That is all.
Posted by T. at 1:50 PM